Guest Blog: 3 Conversations You Should Have with Your Teenage Daughter This Year

Guest Blog: 3 Conversations You Should Have with Your Teenage Daughter This Year 


Megan Lacefield is married to her highschool sweetheart and mom to a teenage girl and boy. She loves every opportunity to learn from her mistakes and share what she's learned to help others in their journey. She is by no means the perfect parent, just a mom on the journey to raise her kids in this crazy thing we call life. She serves kids cradle to college, and their families, as the NRGen Pastor at New River in Weatherford, Texas.

As a mom of a teenage girl, in the trenches of parenting, here’s a few things I’ve learned on this journey, raising a teenage daughter in this crazy thing we call life. I learned early on that the key to every healthy relationship is communication. Kids need parents that are in their business, know what’s going on in their world, ask questions, share the stories of their childhood successes and screw-ups, and love them unconditionally no matter what they may say or do. My daughter, our relationship, her choices, are by no means perfect… it’s been quite messy actually, but I know for certain that there are a few key conversations that all parents must have with their teenage daughters. We will call them the non-negotiables.

Conversation #1
Be smart. Challenge her to make wise choices. We put a lot of time and energy into telling them what they should or shouldn’t do, teaching them right from wrong, but the most important thing we need to tell them is that all choices are theirs to make, we just want to equip them to make smart ones. In every situation there’s a smart solution and a not so smart solution. Present options for how they can handle situations and ask situational questions like “if you ended up in a car with someone driving crazy, what would you do?”

Conversation #2
Be open and honest. Talk to your daughter about how important communication is. I’ve told my daughter since she was very young “the more I know about what’s going on in your world, the more privileges and freedoms you will have.”. Making mistakes or messing up isn’t the big deal, not telling us and letting us walk through it together is. Trust is earned not given freely and the consequences for getting caught are way different than when you confess.

Conversation #3
Be you. Ask her the question “who do you want to be and what are you committed to? What are your not willing to compromise?” This applies to dating, drinking, driving and all the other normal teen activities. It’s about getting them to open up. They’ll share a lot if you listen. Have them tell you where they stand on each of those issues, then share where you stand and figure out, together, what the boundaries are. Sometimes they just don’t understand the facts, the dangers or the possible consequences of some things. Recently I had a conversation with a teen that wasn’t my child she asked “is it okay for me to drink with my friends?”. My first response was going to be “NO!” but after a little thought I explained that the legal drinking age is 21, and that means if she were to drink with her friends it’s breaking the law. I also shared with her that it compromises her judgement and could lead to things happening she is unable to control. After she heard the facts she understood the why behind the no.

We want to set this generation of girls up to make decisions based on what’s right and what’s best. We want, as parents, for our kids to make smart choices and be open and honest. If we flat out say no to everything or give them the flippant “because I said so” we haven’t given them a good enough reason to listen. The best thing we can do with teenage daughters is communicate, which involves talking and listening, so they can be who they were created to be.

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Day 9: The Moral Compass

 

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Day 8: Rebel and Repeat

Today’s video discusses the biggest change I have seen in almost 20 years of working with teenagers and their families: BUSY SCHEDULES.  Please don’t pack your bags to go on a guilt trip with this topic, because it is not all your fault.  The academic and athletic expectations in our culture have increased dramatically.

That is really not so bad.  It’s creating much smarter and athletically gifted young men and women.  The increased demand on time and resources for academics and athletics cause the moral development of our teenagers to get the emotional scraps from our table.  That is a real problem.

This will backfire on us when we have a smart, athletic teenager that is morally poor.

To engage our teenager’s soul, we must first engage our own.  I have a little exercise for you today.  Let’s do a little exercise called Rebel and Repeat…

1) Grab a pen and paper.  Make a list of the core values of life your parents passed down to you.  Ask yourself, “what did they teach me that was the most important things in life?”  The more honest you are on your list, the more you can make a difference in your teenager’s life.

2) Write “Rebel” by the ones that you do not want to pass down to your teenager.  These are the values that you no longer believer or that had a negative impact on you.

3) Write “Repeat” by the ones that you do want to continue in your family heritage.  Make a note or two of how you plan to pass it down.

My belief is that your influence as a parent will last down to your great, great, great grandchildren.  With these last few years of parenting it is time to make sure you are passing down the important values that will make a difference in your grandkid’s lives down the road.  I am cheering for you to raise smart, athletic kids with fully funded college scholarships.  But my loudest cheers will come when you raise a young man or woman that lives with a purpose greater than themselves that they learned from you!

In the comment section today, I would love for you to Honor Your Parents by listing the core values they gave you that you hope to repeat!  I can’t wait to read what you say!

 

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Jessica Jackley co-creator of Kiva.org

There are many reasons I want you to know about Kiva.org.  First of all it is an amazing website where your family can offer loans to small-business owners overseas who are in poverty.  It is a great way for you and your teenager to work together to make a difference in a life across the world.

That is actually how Kiva.org got started.  A mother and father invested in their daughter Jessica Jackley when she was a teenager.  When I first heard Jessica Jackley, the co-founder of Kiva.org, it was at the Catalyst Conference.  I had heard she had appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show and her micro finance website was changing the world, but I was most excited to hear about her father.

Jessica shared in the interview that when she was a teenager her father and her would have a yearly “summit”  where he would help her write out her dreams, set goals, and create a theme for the year.  It was during these times with her Dad that Jessica learned to dream and developed a passion for fighting injustice.

Take a look at the video above and start planning a “summit” with your teenager where you can help them channel their passions, dream, set goals, and make a difference in the world around them.

 

 

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Day 7: Switching Identities

Today I would love to hear from you.  So here is the question: Has your teenager switched identities on you?  You can tell me your story by leaving a comment on this post.

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Day 6: Teaching your Teenager to Grieve without Going to a Funeral

There are many life skills that a teenager must grasp on the way to adulthood.  They need to learn how to wash clothes, change a tire, make a peanut butter sandwich, and grieve a loss.  Grieving will come natural to many teenagers because unfortunately they have experienced way too much loss in their childhood.  But many other teenagers will not understand the emotions that come with mourning a loss.

I heard a counselor say once that everyone grieves differently, so there is no way to tell someone how to grieve.  That is true, but lucky for you I can give some encouragement on how to live with a teenager who is grieving their childhood.

In Day 5 of our YouTube Series, “Raising a Beaver Cleaver Kid in a Beavis and Butthead World”, we discussed the depression that can set in on a new teenager when she realizes she has lost her childhood almost overnight.  That is a very real loss and it leaves many teenagers and their parents at a loss.

So here are 2 thoughts for you today on how to address this issue with your teenager:

1.  Give them space- When your little 5 year old falls and scrapes their knee, what do they do?  They scream for you, and you come running to hold them in your arms.  That feels good for both parties involved.  What do you do when your young teenager’s heart is hurting and they aren’t screaming for you?  You don’t run to them (even though you are dying to). Instead you hang around lobbing love grenades in their direction waiting for their invitation and permission to enter into their hearts.  By love grenades I am referring to a loving note left under the pillow, an affirming text, a little more patience when they mess up, or a kind gesture that communicates you stand ready to talk when they are ready.  If you choose the opposite and invade their space looking to make everything better, you might just cheat the process of them learning how to hurt.

2.  When they invite you to talk, don’t say much- Now you must think I am crazy!  You have done all the work to earn the right to be your teenagers confidant, and now you have to listen more than talk?  The answer is yes.  I remember the day one of my best friends died tragically in a car accident.  There were many people who said a whole lot of stuff to me, but I don’t remember one word.  What I do remember is when a man that I hardly knew stood next to me saying nothing.  I remember feeling a brief moment of relief just having him standing there.  When your teenager is hurting they might want your presence more than your words.

I would REALLY LOVE to hear your experience with your grieving teenager!  Please leave a comment below so that others can learn from what you have learned….

 

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