Parenting Teenagers: Trigger Conversations

Parenting Teenagers: Trigger Conversations

 No one knows how to push your buttons more than the ones who love you the most.

And you know how to hurt them with just the right words as well.  I call these trigger conversations.

Trigger conversations are born from vulnerability.  When I know your weaknesses, when I have a front row seat to the worst parts of you, and when you reveal to me your fears, I now have power in your life.  This is why so many of us run from intimacy and vulnerability like we are running from a raging bull.

No one has their finger on your trigger more than the family you live with.  You can’t hide in your own home, and I promise your teenager sees more of your worst than you care to admit.

Trigger conversations begin when we bring up subjects, topics, phrases, words, and cyclical conversations that are repetitive in our relationships.  We know what that the outcome of these conversations is a huge fight, but we continue to have them anyway.

Unfortunately, on the adolescent journey your relationship can digress into a verbal gun fight at the OK Corral in a hot second.  There is one trigger conversation after another until no one talks anymore, you just yell.

What is the cure to moving past trigger conversations in parenting teenagers?  Here are three keys to stop yelling and start connecting in you relationship with your teenager:

1. IT STARTS WITH YOU- Like it or not, you are the leader in this relationship.  Yes, your teenager has to be responsible for themselves and they are at fault to some level.  But being the parent means you can rise above hurt feelings and raise the level of conversation to civility and hopefully intimacy.  Are you in a relational stand-off with your teenager?  As a leader you should be the first to blink.

2. TREASURE THEIR WEAKNESS- When your teenager initiates a trigger conversation with you, the temptation is to find one of their buttons and push back.  This only leads to a crazy cycle of conflict.  The way to stop it is to do something different.  When they initiate battle you can put down your weapons and refuse to fight back.  If trigger conversations begin because of vulnerability, then they can also be ended by treasuring the vulnerability of your teenager.  Respect the fact that you do know how to hurt them, and choose not to pull that trigger.  It sets an example for your teenager that they might just follow.

3. FIND A SOUNDING BOARD- You are only human.  If your teenager pushes your buttons it will unleash all kinds of emotion in you.  Trigger Conversations breed hurt, anger, sadness, shame, loneliness, and all of their cousins.  If you refuse to spew it back to your teenager than where will you put it?  For your own health you must find a friend, meet with a counselor, or at the very least write out your emotions in a journal.  You must have your say, but it doesn’t have to be by yelling back at your teenager.  There are other places.

The last thing I want to say is that one of my reasons for starting Parentzilla is to create a healthy outlet for you to release your feelings.  Leave anonymous comments on our blog posts, share your heart on our facebook page, or send us an email.  The reality is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE on this parenting journey.

SO today let’s give peace a chance.

WHAT ARE YOUR TRIGGER CONVERSATIONS AND HOW DO YOU DEAL WITH THEM?

Free Content
Open to all visitors

How can a Dad be a Leader is his home?

How can a Dad be a Leader is his home?

Just had a great question from a Parentzilla Reader on our Facebook Page:

What do you think dads should do to be real leaders in their homes?

Here are my thoughts:

Great Question…

Dads in particular are hard wired to be leaders and protectors. I am a big believer in inspiring them to channel the energy they put into the ballfields and board rooms into their homes. Dads are trained to think in mission statements, core values, and goals.

I would encourage a Dad to establish those in his home and attack them with the same vigor he would at work. I hope that helps!

Please give us your thoughts about this question by leaving a comment or joining the conversation on Facebook

Free Content
Open to all visitors

Does Your Teenager Know How to Manage Money?

Does Your Teenager Know How to Manage Money?

Free Content
Open to all visitors

Parenting a Teenager: The Power of a Letter

Parenting a Teenager: The Power of a Letter

I attended the funeral of my friend’s father a few years ago.  So imagine my surprise when she sent me a letter written to her father yesterday.

When I read the letter I completely understood what she was doing.  She wasn’t just writing to her father she was coming to peace with her past so that she is free to face her future.

She won’t ever be able to send this letter to her Dad, but that was never the point of it in the first place.

Maybe you should write a letter to your parents today that you never mail.  Because sometimes in order to serve your teenager as a healthy parent today, you must first be courageous enough to face your past.

My friend gave me permission to share the letter with you.  I hope you enjoy it.

Dear Dad,

 As you know, growing up we had a lot of rules, many of which I didn’t understand. Even with all those rules I knew you had our best interest at heart. But, I wish there were a few things I could have told you that I didn’t have the courage to at the time. 

 Though I knew you loved me, I wish you would have told me and shown me more affection. Every girl wants to feel like her daddy’s princess, to be cuddled in his arms and to be told how beautiful she is. You see, I didn’t get that from you so I sought out that love and affection in other relationships. I made many mistakes that I can’t take back now. Oh how I wish things had been different.

 In our family that three letter word (s-e-x) wasn’t something we talked about. You taught me to remain pure and wait to have sex until marriage but I wish you would have shared why it was so important…did you make mistakes? I think I would have understood better if you would have shared your story. 

 While I knew you were always available, I wish we could have talked more. I wish I had felt comfortable sharing about that cute guy I was dating or even my secrets.  

 Even though I wish some things had been different, I know that you did the best you could. I’ll never forget the time that you taught me how to change my car tires and oil, mow the grass and weed-eat, plant a garden… You taught me that it was important to spend time daily in the Bible, be a hard worker, be honest… While I may not have thought much of it at the time what you taught me was invaluable and it’s shaped the woman that I’ve now grown to be.

 I love you Dad!

If you wrote an honest letter to your Dad that you never mail, what would it say?

Free Content
Open to all visitors

Parenting Teenagers: Helping Them Form Healthy Habits

Parenting Teenagers: Helping Them Form Healthy Habits

 One of our Parentzilla Parents asked us this question:

Dear Parentzilla,

How do we instill good habits in our kids? How do we get them to habitually say thank you or no ma’am, or make their beds, or take their vitamins? Knowing that minor habits can translate into future good major habits.

I can’t wait to hear your thoughts and comments on how to help teenagers form healthy habits, but until then I will start the conversation with 5 Keys to Helping Your Teenager Form Healthy Habits.

1. Give Up Control- If we could force teenagers to have healthy habits than middle school boys would be walking around with perfect hygiene and AXE deodorant spray would be out of business.  Unfortunately, it is not that easy.  To be a parent of a teenager you must perfect the art of guiding them and resist the temptation to control them.  Your teenager will embrace the healthy habits that they have chosen for themselves.  It would be so much easier if they would just act like robots and do what we want them to do, but where is the fun in that?

2. Teach How to form a healthy Habit- There is one thing you can control in this process.  You might not be able to force them to form a healthy habit, but you can teach the life skill of HOW TO form a healthy habit.   Check out this article of 18 tricks to making a new habit, and use them to teach your teenager how they can form the habit for themselves.  The Chicago Tribune suggests that to form a habit you need to do it for 66 days, “The 2011 study in the European Journal of Psychology found that for a subset of 96 volunteers, it took a median time of 66 days to form a new habit. The total time it took for a behavior to become habit ranged from 18 to 254 days. That’s a marathon, not a sprint, and experts say motivation is key; you’ve got to pick something that you really want to do and that offers a genuinely rewarding outcome.”

3.  Model the Habit- Allow your teenager to catch you living out the habit that you are promoting.  The biggest thing they should see is you enjoying the reward that the healthy habit is bringing you.  Your teenager watches, observes, and critiques you way more than you want to know, but you can use that to your advantage by modeling healthy habits for them.  If you are promoting a healthy habit that you don’t participate in yourself than don’t expect to get very far with your teenager.

4.  Inspire your teenager with the “Natural Reward” of the Healthy Habit-  The reasons why Healthy Habits are so wonderful is the rewards that are attached to them.  I don’t enjoy working out.  I enjoy having worked out and seeing the positive effect it has on my body.  You have a much better shot of inspiring your teenager rather than guilting them.  Develop your own healthy habit of refusing to take your teenager on a guilt trip about the absence of their healthy habit, and instead talk to them about the wonderful rewards they can enjoy.

5.  Offer to do it with them- Another great way to guide your teenager towards a healthy habit is to say, “Hey, I want to start __________________ more and I was wondering if you wanted to do it with me?”  This adds a new reward to the healthy habit, it can build a new and deeper connection in your relationship.

6.  If necessary, Offer Consequences-  If at all possible let your teenager feel the “natural consequences” for rejecting their healthy habit.  Many times, experiencing natural consequences are the only way a teenager will decide for themselves to form a healthy habit.  But unfortunately there are times where the natural consequences will affect their health or their future and you must step in.  At that time you tell them that the healthy habit is an expectation and if they choose not to do it you will give them a consequence.  Give these consequences consistently with as little emotion as possible.  This is the only way to strike the balance between controlling your teenager and letting them do whatever they want to their own detriment.  Let me say again, using consequences to help form healthy habits is really not the most effective approach.  It should only be reserved for the instances where you as a parent feel that the absence of that habit will harm your teenager’s health or someone else’s health.

Now it is time to tell me what you think.  How do you help your teenager’s form healthy habits?

Free Content
Open to all visitors

Teenagers and Social Media

Teenagers and Social Media

Free Content
Open to all visitors