helping parents tame the teenage years
No family is an island.
It is so strategic and smart for you as a parent to Invite a Third Party into your family to help you when you get stuck.
This month I am helping our Parentzilla subscribers put a plan together to bring reinforcements into their adolescent journey.
We spend most of our lives avoiding pain.
I get that.
Pain hurts. My natural instinct when I experience pain is to try to avoid it, medicate it, ignore it, or numb it.
Parents of Teenagers expend a ton of energy shielding, protecting, and guarding their teenager from pain. I don’t blame them for that. But no parent is strong enough to keep pain from their teenager forever.
Pain happens.
I remember reading about children who were born without the ability to experience pain. My first reaction was, “That child is so blessed.”
Then I learned that those children would injure themselves and never know it. Imagine that. What must it be like to have a bone broken and never even know it?
You see pain is not all bad. Pain has a purpose in my life. Pain has purpose in your life. And pain can be a gift to your teenager.
Here are 27 Gifts that Pain has to offer…
1. The glorious realization that we are not in control of everything.
2. The recognition that we are hurt and need healing.
3. The understanding that we need others.
4. The cleansing power of tears.
5. The truth that tomorrow is not guaranteed so treasure today.
6. Being forced to leave what is comfortable and try something new.
7. An openness to new thoughts and ideas that were previously ignored.
8. Capturing the all important life lesson that our decisions have consequences.
9. Wisdom.
10. Remembering the importance of family.
11. Being forced to live life one minute at a time.
12. A new understanding of what is really important.
13. We are forced to face our fear.
14. Developing a sensitivity to others in pain.
15. An opportunity to learn that there are no quick fixes to healing.
16. Being forced to ask for help.
17. The opportunity to discover who are your true friends.
18. Adventure. An adventure is filled with pain. An adventure without pain is called vacation.
19. An opportunity to discover that you have more strength in you than you ever imagined.
20. The strength of spirit that comes from surviving it.
21. The opportunity to acquire maturity.
22. The lesson that can be learned from our mistakes.
23. The all important understanding that the attempts to temporarily numb our pain typically only brings more pain.
24. The ability to identify what is wrong.
25. The passion to find a cure.
26. A new understanding of love’s power.
27. The opportunity to grow up.
Jeremy Lee encourages parents of teenagers every day at www.parentzilla.com. He lives in Nashville, TN with his wonderful wife, two amazing sons, and a crazy dog. You can follow him on twitter here and on facebook here.
I just forced myself to watch all 10 minutes and 9 seconds of this video.
It was truly one of the most gut-wrenching experiences I have ever had. My stomach started churning 10 seconds into the video.
I want to share my first and raw thoughts from the video and I would love to hear your reaction…
1. Bullying Should Not Be Ignored
The issue of Bullying is so complex. When I think through, “How can I stop bullying?” It feels like someone just asked me to fit all the water from Niagra Falls in a milk jug. It feels impossible. But if you are tempted to think that the emphasis on Bullying is too much, just watch this video. It has captivated the country because this emotional abuse is happening every day to kids. We can’t stop educating and bringing attention to this subject no matter how overwhelming it might seem to find the solution.
[Today we have a Guest Post from Elle at CleverlyChanging.com. She is sharing with us a letter she wrote to her nieces and nephews]
Dear nieces and nephews,
You’re growing up and I want to share some messages with you from my heart. It is easier for me to write them down rather than call you, so today I am talking to you about why I believe abstinence is important.
As your aunt, I’m sure I could just leave it up to your parents to have this conversation with you; however, when you do talk to your parents, I will not be around to give you my personal input, so please listen up.
Is everyone doing it?
this is a guest post by Laura Anderson, MMFT who is a Marriage and Family Counselor in Nashville, TN who has worked with teenagers for 12 years. If you are in the Nashville area you can find her here
Parenting your teen through a divorce can be a test on every level.
During the teenage years an adolescent changes physically, emotionally, socially, mentally and relationally.
They try on different masks and personalities in order to find their fit.
In order to navigate these years of internal chaos it is important that they are provided stability in their home and with their parents. Though it seems as though teens enjoy rebelling (or at the very least, copping an attitude), adolescents thrive in an environment in which their parents provide structure.
Essentially this offers safety and a sense of stability that the teen can rest in when it seems that everything else internally and externally is in a constant state of chaos.
Divorce can be a very messy process. Not only are parents dealing with their own sets of emotions, feelings and new realities, but they are dealing with their children’s emotions, feelings and new realities as well.
It’s safe to describe the teen’s inner live as chaotic which is why stability in the home is so important.
When the parents of a teen go through the process of divorce, it can often times shake the teen to their core, as one of the only foundational and stable entities in their lives is suddenly pulled out from underneath them.
It’s easy to look at your child’s anger, explosive behavior, change in attitude or action as a way of dealing with their emotions. It’s also a reaction to the sense of instability that they are feeling when the dynamics of the home are changing.
Providing them with opportunities to speak freely their feelings, concerns and frustrations without becoming defensive will help. Affirming the “ok-ness” of these as well as practicing a “no-negative-talk” policy regarding the opposite parent all help the teen to feel secure.
It can also be helpful to enlist the support of adults (a youth leader, counselor, teacher, or a support group for teens with divorced parents) whom you trust to allow the teen other safe adults with whom they can process and receive encouragement.
Despite the external chaos that is going on in the family, it will be important to help the teen recognize that your love as a parent, for them, has not changed and that they can build trust in you to continue to support them and provide them stability and security both in the home and in life as they grow into the man or woman they were created to be.
