A Parent’s Guide to Your Teenager’s Heart

A Parent’s Guide to Your Teenager’s Heart

I saw a great list from Dr. Chap Clark of the 6 longings that are in the heart of your teenager.

1. I long to belong
2. I long to be taken seriously
3. I long to matter
4. I long for a safe place
5. I long to be uniquely me
6. I long to be wanted

I thought it would be helpful to take this list and transform them into 6 Action Steps You Can do to connect to the heart of your teenager:

1. Help Your Teenager Belong to Something Greater Than Themselves- You can help them connect to family, faith, or a cause that they can believe in. If your teenager’s mission in life is to take care of themselves they are headed for destruction. Offer to take on a cause with them to introduce to them the joy of serving others.

2. Take Your Teenager Seriously- Think back over the last few weeks and identify one thought, idea, or suggestion your teenager made that you quickly dismissed.  Go back to your teenager, apologize for not taking them seriously, and re-engage the conversation.

3.  Download my free E-book “Birthday Blessings” today- Give them a “Blessing” even if it is not their Birthday to help them know why they matter.

4.  Be Courageous enough to Ask Your Teenager a Scary Question- Ask them, “What is one thing you would change about our home?”  Give them a chance to speak into their environment and have legitimate influence.  Please don’t be defensive by their answer.  Just listen.  If they say something ridiculous like, “I would really like to build a bowling alley in the living room”, see #2.

5.  ”SEE” your teenager-  I know you see your teenager every day, but it takes more effort to see into their soul.  Take an hour of time and write down what you see in your teenager.  Write down their likes, their dislikes, their struggles, their fears, their friends, their relationships, their dreams, their favorite color, their enemies, and anything else you can think of.  Once you have written it all down, take your teenager the list and ask them to tell you what you got right and wrong.  It will do two powerful things.  It will give you insight to their soul, and it will communicate that you love them so much, you want to study them.

6.  “PURSUE” your teenager- Unfortunately, the business of life can turn our relationships into simple time management and common routine.  Make your teenager feel wanted by pursuing them for one week as an experiment.  For one week chase after them.  Do they love gifts? Give them a small gift each day.  Do they love affirming words? Write them a daily note of love and encouragement. Do they love to be hugged?  Have a hug-a-thon at your house.  Do they love acts of service?  Clean their room or build them something special that took time and hard work.  The key is to figure out how they love to be loved and give it to them.

I believe that once you see their reaction you will pursue them for more than a week, it will be your adventure for a lifetime.

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How to Deal with Dyslexia Symptoms in Teens

How to Deal with Dyslexia Symptoms in Teens

 

Sandra is one of our Parentzilla Moms who reached out to us about her teen that is struggling with Dylsexia but fighting the extra tutoring that is required.  I am searching for some other Parents who are living or have lived through raising a Dyslexic teen that might be able to offer encouragement (Sandra gave me permission to post her question):

Here is Sandra’s Question:

How do you apply these communicating tips to a Dyslexic teen that has to go to tutoring but fights it like a mad bull? I have tried listening, rationalizing, positive comments,and looking into the future with my child. He will not stop resisting and put a 100% (not even 50%)into the tutoring. He needs the skills from tutoring, in order to close the academic gap of what grade level he is at and the actual grade level he is in.

Here is my response:

Sandra,

That is a really tough spot to be in. The communication tips in this particular article are not meant to solve the problem you have mentioned but connect to your teenager’s heart to help diagnose a problem. It sure sounds like you are past the stage of diagnosing a problem and in the middle of dealing with it. Without knowing the in’s and out’s of your situation, here are is a little bit of encouragement.

There is a fine line and a real tension between natural consequences and intentional consequences.

Natural consequences occur when you let your teenager experience the effects of his poor choices without intervening. In this case, if you don’t continue to intervene your son will fail a grade.

If the natural consequences have the potential to teach a lesson without doing too much harm, I always believe that is the best way for a teenager to learn. BUT…if the potential natural consequences threaten to do more harm than you are comfortable with and hurt the future of your teenager, you will need to try intentional consequences.

Intentional consequences are where you step in and create a consequence that teaches the lesson, but not to the severity of the natural consequence. The example in your case is you stepping in and offering him a consequence to the decision of blowing off tutoring rather than letting him fail a grade.

The one thing I am going to tell you that you don’t want to hear is this, you can’t control whether or not he fails. Ultimately, there is a limit to the amount of intentional consequences you can offer. If he works through all of those and he still chooses to make poor choices than he will face the natural consequences. You are a wonderful parent, but there is no one who can control the destiny of their teenager. They are little adults, and part of that process is unfortunately sometimes they refuse to heed wisdom and warnings.

Then they must learn a very adult lesson. No one can protect them from themselves. They must take responsibility for themselves.

If you have tried every consequence in the book, then talk to friends and mentors asking for new suggestions. Also, begin to talk to your teenager about your inability to save them from their natural consequence. Your son might be living under a false pretense that no matter how much he blows this off, you will come to his rescue and keep him safe from the natural consequences. He must know that you don’t have the power to do that even if you wanted to.

Dyslexia is frustrating to deal with. I am sorry that your son has to face that at such a young age. In his struggles and poor choices you must begin to think of yourself as more of a coach and less of a savior. He is coming to a stage in life where he has to learn to save himself. The only thing you can control in that is to be a never ending source of encouragement, and to teach him how to make good choices. Whether he does it or not will be up to him.

I hope this helps! Please keep in touch. I am hoping you will hear from other parents who are struggling with similar issues.

jeremy

Now We Need Your Voice….What encouragement do you have for Sandra today?

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How to Cancel Your “Mother Guilt” Trip

How to Cancel Your “Mother Guilt” Trip

 

this is a guest post from Megan Lacefield who is married to her high school sweetheart and mom to a teenage girl and boy. She loves every opportunity to learn from her mistakes and share what she’s learned to help others in their journey. She is by no means the perfect parent, just a mom on the journey to raise her kids in this crazy thing we call life. She serves kids cradle to college, and their families at New River in Weatherford, Texas.

 

Being a mom in the busyness of life has demands and expectations that can overwhelm and defeat us.  Nothing immobilizes us moms like mother guilt.

It’s that sick feeling you get in your stomach when you think that you’ve done something wrong or something that will affect your child in a negative way or worse, you’ve ruined their lives FOREVER.

I’m here to tell you that no mistake or misspoken word is final, and we can’t ruin their lives. After asking a few moms about their struggles we’ve put together this list of 4 guilt traps we fall into and a few simple things you can try to avoid Mother Guilt:

1. “Bad mood” guilt- There aren’t many things that can set us off as a mom like teenagers in a bad mood.  In those moment we say and do things out of frustration and emotion, and then we feel guilty.  On the flip side, as mothers we can have a bad day too.   Create an environment of understanding that shows grace when you or your teenager are having a rough day. The more you listen and the less you say decreases the probability of saying or doing something you regret.  And when you do mess up, sit them down and confess your mess up and ask for forgiveness.  Realizing that we must respond and not react allows us to handle situations in a way that we avoid the “I can’t believe I said/did THAT” guilt.

2. “Empty bucket” guilt- ”I’ve given all my best at work and my family gets my leftovers.”  ”I was at my best at 8:30am when they were at school.”  We love our teenagers and want to give them our best.  In order to give our kids what they need and deserve our buckets need to be full.  We must take time to fill our buckets with things that encourage and charge us like a lunch date with a friend, a date with our spouse, times of solitude, rest, hobbies, a phone call with your mom or someone who has been an influence in your life.   We have to stand strong and know it’s  not the end of the world if your teenager can’t go to a friend’s house or to a party because you’re having a date night.  Empty bucket guilt happens when we aren’t taking care of ourselves and have nothing left to give and we are the only ones who can help that guilt “kick the bucket.”

3. “Uncool parent” guilt- Your kid is the ONLY kid who doesn’t get to… fill in the blank.  When you, the mom, are trying to raise a teenager that makes smart decisions, you put rules in place to do your best to keep them safe.  Other teenagers get to do things that you have told your teenager they can’t do, and you begin to ask questions like “Are my rules too much?” or “Are they missing out because of me?” Rules are important because we aren’t raising good kids, we are raising wise adults.  Everything they do is a small moment in time that can and will impact their BIG life story. Surround yourself with other parents who have like-minded goals for their kids.  Its easy to be guilt-free when you have a team of parents all enforcing the same rules.  The sad truth is so many parents of teenagers are trying to be their teens best friend instead of the parent.   To dodge the uncool parent bullet dialogue openly with your kids about rules and expectations, and allow for open and honest feedback.  Sometimes the rules can change, not because you felt guilty, but because you talked through it and came to an agreement together.

4. “Never good enough” guilt- We feel guilty because we think we aren’t good enough or that the life we are giving our kids isn’t good enough. We fall into the trap of more is better  and think we can’t give them enough; time, energy, or stuff.   The most important thing is that you give your kids not what they want, but what they need.  They will survive without the latest technology or five pairs of designer jeans.   They will be ok if their dad AND mom work outside the home as long as you make the most of the time you do have with them.  When we know we are doing that, the “never good enough” guilt becomes a distant  reality to the truth that you are doing your best to provide for and love your teenager.

Everyday we have a choice in our day to second guess ourselves and doubt every decision we make.  Instead we can trust in the truth of knowing we are doing our best to raise and love these teenagers.  We can choose to walk in guilt for our mishaps and mistakes or walk in freedom knowing even when we miss the mark we can do it different tomorrow.

Which of these 4 types of Mother Guilt have you struggled with?  Would you add any to the list?

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How can a Dad be a Leader is his home?

How can a Dad be a Leader is his home?

Just had a great question from a Parentzilla Reader on our Facebook Page:

What do you think dads should do to be real leaders in their homes?

Here are my thoughts:

Great Question…

Dads in particular are hard wired to be leaders and protectors. I am a big believer in inspiring them to channel the energy they put into the ballfields and board rooms into their homes. Dads are trained to think in mission statements, core values, and goals.

I would encourage a Dad to establish those in his home and attack them with the same vigor he would at work. I hope that helps!

Please give us your thoughts about this question by leaving a comment or joining the conversation on Facebook

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Does Your Teenager Know How to Manage Money?

Does Your Teenager Know How to Manage Money?

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Parenting a Teenager: The Power of a Letter

Parenting a Teenager: The Power of a Letter

I attended the funeral of my friend’s father a few years ago.  So imagine my surprise when she sent me a letter written to her father yesterday.

When I read the letter I completely understood what she was doing.  She wasn’t just writing to her father she was coming to peace with her past so that she is free to face her future.

She won’t ever be able to send this letter to her Dad, but that was never the point of it in the first place.

Maybe you should write a letter to your parents today that you never mail.  Because sometimes in order to serve your teenager as a healthy parent today, you must first be courageous enough to face your past.

My friend gave me permission to share the letter with you.  I hope you enjoy it.

Dear Dad,

 As you know, growing up we had a lot of rules, many of which I didn’t understand. Even with all those rules I knew you had our best interest at heart. But, I wish there were a few things I could have told you that I didn’t have the courage to at the time. 

 Though I knew you loved me, I wish you would have told me and shown me more affection. Every girl wants to feel like her daddy’s princess, to be cuddled in his arms and to be told how beautiful she is. You see, I didn’t get that from you so I sought out that love and affection in other relationships. I made many mistakes that I can’t take back now. Oh how I wish things had been different.

 In our family that three letter word (s-e-x) wasn’t something we talked about. You taught me to remain pure and wait to have sex until marriage but I wish you would have shared why it was so important…did you make mistakes? I think I would have understood better if you would have shared your story. 

 While I knew you were always available, I wish we could have talked more. I wish I had felt comfortable sharing about that cute guy I was dating or even my secrets.  

 Even though I wish some things had been different, I know that you did the best you could. I’ll never forget the time that you taught me how to change my car tires and oil, mow the grass and weed-eat, plant a garden… You taught me that it was important to spend time daily in the Bible, be a hard worker, be honest… While I may not have thought much of it at the time what you taught me was invaluable and it’s shaped the woman that I’ve now grown to be.

 I love you Dad!

If you wrote an honest letter to your Dad that you never mail, what would it say?

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