One get’s the feeling that the conflict between the two families escalated beyond control before either family really knew what was happening. Their distrust led to anger, led to slander, led to physical violence, led to death.

Carrying family conflict from one day to the next only compounds the issue until you eventually can’t even remember why you’re angry to begin with. Your situation is probably not on the level of the Hatfield and McCoy’s, but it will continue to tear at the foundation of your relationship with your teen if you don’t address it. If you are tired of the “winner takes all” approach to parenting, here are a few steps to help you let go of conflict in your family and start a cycle of healing.

1. Apologize first. Even if your kid is the one who started the conflict, once you are both raising your voices and rolling your eyes, you are both going to have to apologize. You set the example by seeking forgiveness first.

2. Listen before reacting. The biggest complaint teens have of their parents is that parents don’t listen. Whether it is true or not, it is still their perception. Change that by listening to what they have to say before reacting. Ask open-ended questions that allows them to share their feelings without fear of punishment. Show a genuine respect for what they share.

3. Respond with truth and love. Let facts dictate the conversation; not emotions. In conflict, emotions can be used to manipulate and confuse. If the situation is going to call for punishment, then do it with love and with your teen’s best interest at heart. Don’t punish because you are angry or to get the conversation over.

4. Avoid extreme language. No I’m not talking about four-letter-words. I mean phrases such as, “You never…” or “You always…” You don’t like them and neither does your teen. This is the easiest way for a conflict to escalate. It quickly puts the other person on the defensive and retaliation is almost unavoidable.

5. Understand their personality. Many times conflicts can happen because of something that is out of balance in your teen’s (or your) personality. The time of day, food eaten, sleep pattern, and temperament can all effect how your teen responds in conflict. Try to take an honest assessment, before jumping in to resolving the conflict. None of these factors mean your teen (or you) is not responsible for their actions, but it doesn’t bring understanding of how it could have happened.

6. Pray before talking. I can’t tell you how many family conflicts we’ve had quickly resolved because we prayed before diving into the situation. Prayer helps quiet your heart and mind and enter the conversation with calmness and compassion. It also helps you see less of yourself and more of your teen’s perspective.

For some of us resolving conflict in a healthy way is difficult because of our own baggage growing up. Perhaps you were raised in a home that had a “take no prisoners” mentality when it came to conflict. Win at all costs was the name of the game. You learned early on that your job was to watch your own back, defend yourself, and never back down. But if you are willing to develop new habits and value loving more than being declared right, then your whole family wins.

Brian Housman has worked with families for more than twenty years. He is the author of “Engaging Your Teen’s World” and “Tech Savvy Parenting” and a regular contributor to parenting magazines. You can follow him on Twitter or his blog at www.awaketolife.org.

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Getting more than a one or two word answer from them seems to be nearly impossible! Most parents just accept this as the “teenage phase” as their adolescents are tying to assert themselves and figure out who they are.

This is, in part, accurate. But a brief study on the relationship between the brain and communication shows that something else might be going on!

We are each created with three parts to our brain:

1. Reptilian Brain – this is present from birth and it’s purpose is to continually be scanning for danger and threats. It has automatic functions and never sleeps!
2. Mammalian Brain – this is typically developed by age 6-7. This part of the brain sends alerts to the Reptilian brain regarding what to do when potential danger/alerts come its way. This portion of the brain helps to calm us down. This is what we tap into when we are developing coping skills. This part of the brain is very rationalizing (our actions) but not rational.
3. Neo-Cortex Brain – begins to develop in later childhood and carries through to adolescence and adulthood. The purpose of this part of the brain is to modify and moderate impulse behaviors. This portion of the brain believes that it makes 90% of the daily decisions but this is wrong.

The Reptilian and Mammalian brain allows our responses to get big in order to scare the threat away or small in order to avoid the potential threat. Essentially these two portions of the brain are our default. This drives our behavior, our thoughts, our actions and our responses to people in every situation without taking into consideration that Neo-Cortex portion of our brain (which helps us function as an adolescent and adult).

The greatest threat that the Reptilian brain is scanning for is to find the answer to the question “do I belong?” What research has found is that without people, we cannot survive. We were created for relationship. Everything we SAY on a day to day basis, in any situation, is said to get one of six needs met: Belonging, Autonomy, Safety/Security, Self Expression, Purpose/Significance and Connection.

Conflict comes between people when we are not getting a need met, or when the needs we are looking to be met are different than what the other person is trying to get met. For instance, if I, as a parent, am trying to get my need for connection met and my teenager is trying to get their need for autonomy met, it could create significant conflict, even an argument!

Unfortunately, when we are not getting our needs met, we scheme as to how we can get them met. Maybe it’s picking a fight, accusing, nit-picking, blaming, playing the victim, making a big deal out of something that doesn’t need to be/blowing things out of proportion, etc.

An interesting piece to this is that in conversation, arguments and conflict we often use questioning as a tactic to build our case, accuse and/or prove a point. Questions raise anxiety by 40%! Remember the bottom ⅔ of our brain is scanning for threat…a threat could be as simple as searching for the right answer to a question.

So in the mind of your teen, questions become a trap. All questions can be turned into statements. These statements reduce anxiety and allows your teen to feel safe (even in the midst of an argument!) How was your day? What did you learn? can feel very direct and asked hoping to get a specific answer/piece of information rather than seeking the heart of your teen. Tell me how your day was… Tell me what you learned… These statements allow some of our deepest needs to be met.

For the bottom ⅔ of our brain (the Reptilian and Mammalian portions), listening is one of the primary things we can do to reassure that sense of belonging. The true communication skill to learn is finding words to say that the receiving person will hear. Words are a way that we hide. When we truly listen our greatest need of belonging is being met and the walls of defense are taken down. The way that someone learns how to listen is to be listened to.

Finally, in the midst of conversation or conflict, it’s important to remember that it often doesn’t matter what the INTENT of the statement was, what matters is the effect it had on the person receiving it. Respond to the effect. 

Laura Anderson, MMFT is a Marriage and Family Counselor in Nashville, TN who has worked with teenagers for 12 years. If you are in the Nashville area you can find her here

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I get that.

Pain hurts. My natural instinct when I experience pain is to try to avoid it, medicate it, ignore it, or numb it.

Parents of Teenagers expend a ton of energy shielding, protecting, and guarding their teenager from pain.  I don’t blame them for that.  But no parent is strong enough to keep pain from their teenager forever.

Pain happens.

I remember reading about children who were born without the ability to experience pain.  My first reaction was, “That child is so blessed.”

Then I learned that those children would injure themselves and never know it.  Imagine that. What must it be like to have a bone broken and never even know it?

You see pain is not all bad.  Pain has a purpose in my life.  Pain has purpose in your life.  And pain can be a gift to your teenager.

Here are 27 Gifts that Pain has to offer…

1. The glorious realization that we are not in control of everything.

2. The recognition that we are hurt and need healing.

3. The understanding that we need others.

4. The cleansing power of tears.

5. The truth that tomorrow is not guaranteed so treasure today.

6. Being forced to leave what is comfortable and try something new.

7. An openness to new thoughts and ideas that were previously ignored.

8. Capturing the all important life lesson that our decisions have consequences.

9. Wisdom.

10. Remembering the importance of family.

11. Being forced to live life one minute at a time.

12. A new understanding of what is really important.

13. We are forced to face our fear.

14. Developing a sensitivity to others in pain.

15. An opportunity to learn that there are no quick fixes to healing.

16. Being forced to ask for help.

17. The opportunity to discover who are your true friends.

18. Adventure.  An adventure is filled with pain.  An adventure without pain is called vacation.

19. An opportunity to discover that you have more strength in you than you ever imagined.

20. The strength of spirit that comes from surviving it.

21. The opportunity to acquire maturity.

22. The lesson that can be learned from our mistakes.

23. The all important understanding that the attempts to temporarily numb our pain typically only brings more pain.

24. The ability to identify what is wrong.

25. The passion to find a cure.

26. A new understanding of love’s power.

27. The opportunity to grow up.

 

Jeremy Lee encourages parents of teenagers every day at www.parentzilla.com.  He lives in Nashville, TN with his wonderful wife, two amazing sons, and a crazy dog.  You can follow him on twitter here and on facebook here.

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Parent: “Do you have any homework tonight”
Teen: “No”
Parent: “What do you mean no? They don’t assign homework at school anymore?”
Teen: “I don’t know”
Parent: “Well from the look of your last report card…..”

And the battle begins.

Maybe your conflict is not over homework, but over grades on the last test, progress report or report card. Having a conversation about school work is really important. Good grades help your teen get into college, earn scholarships, and opens doors to many other opportunities. With such high stakes, there is so much pressure packed into these discussions that they can spiral out of control at any moment.

Remember that as your teen get’s older, you should be increasing independence without sacrificing accountability.

There are many practical ways to do this with academics, but let’s start with just a few.

1) Start the conversation early.
Rather than waiting to have a discussion about grades when they have become a problem, talk about them at the beginning of the school year, semester, or even 9 week grading periods. Take an honest look at where they are and make a plan for where they need to be. Planning dates to have a talk about grades ahead of time minimizes surprises, because everyone knows the conversation is coming.

2) Separate the “can’t do” from the “won’t do”.
It’s worth identifying if your teens academic struggles are from a genuine struggle in learning or a momentary lapse in motivation. You will treat each of those very differently.

3) Connect the “here and now” to the “long from tomorrow”.
Many times when teens are making decisions in regards to school work, they can be thinking about the here and now. This is in sharp contrast to us parents who have a keen awareness of what is lining up for years down the road. It is important to periodically have big picture conversations in which you talk with your teen about how they are doing now and what will that set them up for in the future. You might get a lot more interest from your teenager when the conversation is paired with a milkshake or other treat that you know they love.

With the school year now in full swing, let your teen know that not only are their grades important, but they are important too.

Jason Gibson draws from his experience as a parent, clinician, and researcher to deliver practical truths that are relevant to today’s family. His work has focused on supporting families and children in all walks of life including those who struggle with emotional, behavioral, and cognitive disorders. Currently, Jason is the director of the BabbCenter for Counseling in Nashville,TN. He has bachelor and master degrees from Appalachian State and Florida State and is currently a PhD candidate at the University of Kentucky.  He and his wife Julie have 3 kids with one on the way!

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Here is my favorite snippet of what Sarah had to say:

“So what’s sometimes seen as the problem with adolescents — heightened risk-taking, poor impulse control, self-consciousness — shouldn’t be stigmatized. It actually reflects changes in the brain that provide an excellent opportunity for education and social development.”

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Imagine my surprise the next day when he informed me that I put the water in the oil reservoir and not the radiator.

It is pretty clear that I wanted to do it right, I just didn’t know how. Though this was an expensive mistake on my part my dad recognized that I didn’t need punishment for this.  I needed teaching.

Now that I’m a father, this has been a valuable example for me to follow. When one of my children does something wrong I always ask myself, “where is the teaching aspect in my response?”  

I’m not saying that consequences are a bad thing, just that consequences alone are. As parents we need to take the time to equip our teen with the necessary tools to be successful when the situation arises again.  It’s not easy, but it is worth it.

It’s way more valuable than a trip to the mechanic.

Jason Gibson draws from his experience as a parent, clinician, and researcher to deliver practical truths that are relevant to today’s family. His work has focused on supporting families and children in all walks of life including those who struggle with emotional, behavioral, and cognitive disorders. Currently, Jason is the director of the BabbCenter for Counseling in Nashville,TN. He has bachelor and master degrees from Appalachian State and Florida State and is currently a PhD candidate at the University of Kentucky.  He and his wife Julie have 3 kids with one on the way!

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