Parentzilla

Parentzilla Challenge: “THANK” Outside The Box

Today my goal is to help us “THANK” Outside the Box.

I saw someone post an article on the subject of thinking outside the box in business. There post had a typo that said “THANK outside the box”

As soon as I read that I knew I would write this post.

One of the biggest frustrations you might have with your teenager is that they are ungrateful. They take for granted all that you do for them. They don’t have an appreciation of how much worse their situation can be. It feels like they are obsessed with themselves.

I believe that one way to address them is to help them “THANK” outside the box.

Here is an easy and effective exercise for you and your teenager to do together.

1. Invite your teenager to join you in an experiment where together you will see what happens when you “THANK” outside the box.

2. For one week, you and your teenager intentionally and authentically “THANK” people with a spirit of gratitude. The challenge is simple. You keep tabs of how many genuine “THANK YOU’s” you give and the responses of the people you thank.

3. When you and your teenager are done you go out to dinner and talk through your experiences. For fun you can say that whoever “THANKED” outside the box the most gets to pick where to go to dinner.

It’s simple. It’s fun. It builds your relationship. And hopefully it teaches how much power the two words, “THANK YOU” can have.

So who’s in? We would love to hear about your experience. Please let us know.

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Parenting Teenagers After Divorce

this is a guest post by Laura Anderson, MMFT who is a Marriage and Family Counselor in Nashville, TN who has worked with teenagers for 12 years. If you are in the Nashville area you can find her here

Parenting your teen through a divorce can be a test on every level.

During the teenage years an adolescent changes physically, emotionally, socially, mentally and relationally.

They try on different masks and personalities in order to find their fit.

In order to navigate these years of internal chaos it is important that they are provided stability in their home and with their parents. Though it seems as though teens enjoy rebelling (or at the very least, copping an attitude), adolescents thrive in an environment in which their parents provide structure.

Essentially this offers safety and a sense of stability that the teen can rest in when it seems that everything else internally and externally is in a constant state of chaos.

Divorce can be a very messy process. Not only are parents dealing with their own sets of emotions, feelings and new realities, but they are dealing with their children’s emotions, feelings and new realities as well.

It’s safe to describe the teen’s inner live as chaotic which is why stability in the home is so important.

When the parents of a teen go through the process of divorce, it can often times shake the teen to their core, as one of the only foundational and stable entities in their lives is suddenly pulled out from underneath them.

It’s easy to look at your child’s anger, explosive behavior, change in attitude or action as a way of dealing with their emotions. It’s also a reaction to the sense of instability that they are feeling when the dynamics of the home are changing.

Providing them with opportunities to speak freely their feelings, concerns and frustrations without becoming defensive will help. Affirming the “ok-ness” of these as well as practicing a “no-negative-talk” policy regarding the opposite parent all help the teen to feel secure.

It can also be helpful to enlist the support of adults (a youth leader, counselor, teacher, or a support group for teens with divorced parents) whom you trust to allow the teen other safe adults with whom they can process and receive encouragement.

Despite the external chaos that is going on in the family, it will be important to help the teen recognize that your love as a parent, for them, has not changed and that they can build trust in you to continue to support them and provide them stability and security both in the home and in life as they grow into the man or woman they were created to be.

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Teenage Dream or Nightmare? Teenagers and Sleep

Teenagers turn sleep into a sport.

Just about every Saturday Morning teenagers eat lunch for breakfast because of their sleeping super powers.

Is it OK to let your teenager sleep all day every weekend? With summer just around the corner, should you allow your teenager to keep the same hours as a vampire?

Here is the skinny on sleep and teenagers:

1. GREEN LIGHT- Give them the green light to sleep when you notice that they are in a growth spurt. Especially early in the teenage years, sleep is an essential part of the developmental process. Your teenager will at times wake up complaining of pain in their joints. These “growing pains” occur because they were literally growing in their sleep. Their bones and joints were stretching, and the pain is real. The National Sleep Foundation says teenagers need at least 8 1/2 hours of sleep each night in order to maintain healthy physical and emotional development. Yet only 15% of them actually get that much sleep. This is a problem because sleep is food to the brain. So if you notice their pants getting a little shorter, and you have to keep buying new shoes all the time, you should probably let them sleep.

2. YELLOW LIGHT- If your teenager sleeps in way too much you might want to proceed with caution. One of the early signs of teen depression is using sleep as an escape from the world around them. If you notice an extra ordinary amount of sleep going on in your house it might be time to watch your teenager closely. Are they withdrawn, overly sensitive to criticism, complain constantly of aches and pains, or seem overly irritable? If so, it is not time to over react but consider taking action. It’s a tough call because you can compare a book on normal teen development and signs of depression and see many behavioral similarities. But if your parental “spidey sense” is going off telling you to have a doctor check it out, you should trust your instincts.

3. RED LIGHT- When your teenager begins living the same hours as a 3rd Shift Employee than it is time to pull out the red light. Left to their own devices many teenagers will choose the “up all night” and “sleep all day” lifestyle especially in the summer months when they do not have school to contend with. As a parent you should engage them on this sleeping pattern because it is an unhealthy pattern of sleep for their body, it is unhealthy for their mind, it causes them to withdraw relationally from the rest of the family during the day, and let’s be honest, nothing very good happens at 2 a.m. You can’t force your teenager to sleep, but you can charge their cell phone by your bed, take the TV out of their room, and make sure that if they choose to stay up all night, they still have to wake up in the morning. It won’t be a pleasant battle, but it will be worth it to fight for the health of your teenager.

Let’s help each other get some perspective on sleep with teenagers. Leave a comment below and tell us what time your teenager goes to bed typically and when they wake up.

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A Parent’s Guide to Your Teenager’s Heart

I saw a great list from Dr. Chap Clark of the 6 longings that are in the heart of your teenager.

1. I long to belong
2. I long to be taken seriously
3. I long to matter
4. I long for a safe place
5. I long to be uniquely me
6. I long to be wanted

I thought it would be helpful to take this list and transform them into 6 Action Steps You Can do to connect to the heart of your teenager:

1. Help Your Teenager Belong to Something Greater Than Themselves- You can help them connect to family, faith, or a cause that they can believe in. If your teenager’s mission in life is to take care of themselves they are headed for destruction. Offer to take on a cause with them to introduce to them the joy of serving others.

2. Take Your Teenager Seriously- Think back over the last few weeks and identify one thought, idea, or suggestion your teenager made that you quickly dismissed. Go back to your teenager, apologize for not taking them seriously, and re-engage the conversation.

3. Download my free E-book “Birthday Blessings” today- Give them a “Blessing” even if it is not their Birthday to help them know why they matter.

4. Be Courageous enough to Ask Your Teenager a Scary Question- Ask them, “What is one thing you would change about our home?” Give them a chance to speak into their environment and have legitimate influence. Please don’t be defensive by their answer. Just listen. If they say something ridiculous like, “I would really like to build a bowling alley in the living room”, see #2.

5. ”SEE” your teenager- I know you see your teenager every day, but it takes more effort to see into their soul. Take an hour of time and write down what you see in your teenager. Write down their likes, their dislikes, their struggles, their fears, their friends, their relationships, their dreams, their favorite color, their enemies, and anything else you can think of. Once you have written it all down, take your teenager the list and ask them to tell you what you got right and wrong. It will do two powerful things. It will give you insight to their soul, and it will communicate that you love them so much, you want to study them.

6. “PURSUE” your teenager- Unfortunately, the business of life can turn our relationships into simple time management and common routine. Make your teenager feel wanted by pursuing them for one week as an experiment. For one week chase after them. Do they love gifts? Give them a small gift each day. Do they love affirming words? Write them a daily note of love and encouragement. Do they love to be hugged? Have a hug-a-thon at your house. Do they love acts of service? Clean their room or build them something special that took time and hard work. The key is to figure out how they love to be loved and give it to them.

I believe that once you see their reaction you will pursue them for more than a week, it will be your adventure for a lifetime.

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Parenting Teenagers on Facebook

this is a guest post from Marthe Teixeira who is the founder/CEO of Stixs and Stones and a life coach for teen girls. Find more out at www.stixs-n-stones.com

Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Flickr, YouTube, Formspring, FourSquare and FindMe … okay that last one was made up but how would you know, because it seems every day there is a new social network that teens are joining.

Social networks have become a regular part of our kids’ lives. What is the first thing a teen does when he/she wakes up? They check their phone. Some teens are even sleeping with their phones as they did not want to miss a tweet or text from their friends.

In today’s digital world teens are connected 24/7 and are logging in from everywhere. They are oversharing on these networks as well, especially Facebook. The line between which should be kept private and public is being blurred.

Had a bad day at school? Got into a fight with your mom? Mad at Marissa for ignoring you at lunch? Those emotional comments go right up on Facebook without much thought and the damage is done.

Posts, status updates, comments, likes, tweets, instant messages, texts and video uploading have become part of our teens’ everyday life. Many parents simply do not know what their kids are sharing on sites or what social media they are using.

Once something is out in the digital world it does not go away and leaves a digital footprint.

My middle school year book still frightens me; I can’t imagine it roaming around in digital cyber space. The one thing I think kids seem to forget is that information cannot be controlled or taken back. Anything can be copied, changed and shared instantly. This can become damaging to a teen’s reputation or cause them to be a victim or cyber bullying.

This can lead to irresponsible and disrespectful behavior. Our teens’ technology abilities come from their maturity and judgment. Unfortunately, teens are using these networks sites to bully or embarrass those they do not like. Being connected 24/7 teens cannot hide from being cyber bullied.

Here’s some advice for parents on guidance in the digital world:

Talk about the nature of the digital world. Remind them that anyone can see their social network pages.
Help them self-reflect before self-revealing. Explain that anything they create or communicated can be cut, altered and sent around
Make sure teens set their privacy settings.
Please make sure your teen never posts their location.

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YouTube Video Trends: What Teenagers are Watching This Week

Here are the top videos trending on YouTube among 13-17 year olds this week.

(I am not supporting, endorsing, or agreeing with these videos. I am just informing parents of what their teenagers might be watching online so they can talk to them about it)