Sign-up today and get free stuff!

A Mystery Gift

Join Thousands of Parents of Teenagers from across the country that receive Bite-Sized
Encouragement from Parentzilla. To say “Thank You” we will send you one of our most
popular resources

Bullying for Teenagers: How to Help your Teenager Face Pain

Bullying for Teenagers: How to Help your Teenager Face Pain

I heard this story recently from an adult remembering her teenage years…

“I was in 6th grade and my Mom let me host my first big birthday party.  I invited twelve other girls for a spend the night party.  I am an extrovert so to have this type of activity in my home was like going to Disney World for me.  I carefully welcomed every girl to my home when they arrived and quickly got wrapped up in the energy of the moment.  At one point in the evening I walked away from the group for a moment only to return to one of the most painful experiences of my life.  Just before I entered the room I could hear that the girls had gathered together in a circle to make fun of me.  They were talking about how ugly I was and that they were not having any fun at my party.  The rejection wrapped around me like a tight-fitting coat.  I responded in anger and confronted the girls which only led to more drama and conflict.  My mother got involved and instead of saving the day, she told me that I would never have another party like that again if that is how it would turn out.  I have never recovered from that, and I still have trouble trusting women in friendships today.”

WOW.

The saddest part of that story is not that it is a rare occurrence that only happened once, but rather that it happens every day.  It might have happened to you when you were a teenager.  Even worse, it might have happened to your teenager last week.  The new buzzword is “BULLYING”, but the reality is that teenagers destroying each other with their words is as old as dirt.

How do you respond as a parent when your teenager has been wounded by a friend?

There is no way to take the pain away, but here are 3 thoughts on how to help your teenager process pain:

1.  DON’T SPEAK: The natural urge is to explain away the pain.  You think that if you can say something like, “hurting people, hurt people” or give them some kind of inspirational quote it would help it all make sense.  The truth is that pain never makes sense right away.  One of the reasons you struggle to find words to comfort your teenager is because in so many cases words are not what is needed for comfort.  Hold them.  Cry with them.  Validate their hurt.  Let them know that the pain they feel is real and it is OK to be sad about it.  Sit shoulder to shoulder quietly and let your presence speak more than your words.  You don’t have to say anything, you can just be there.

2.  HELP THEM FEEL THEIR FEELINGS:  An incredibly important life skill that many adults struggle with is acknowledging our feelings and knowing what to do with them.  Please understand that this is the foundation of most addictions and destructive behavior.  We feel pain and we have no idea what to do with it, so we reach out for anything that makes the pain go away even if just for a moment.  To teach and encourage your teenager how to get their feelings out in a healthy way will not just help in the moment, but it will pave a way for them to be free of the temporary “fixes” that only cause more pain. (alcohol, eating, drugs, unhealthy relationships, etc.)  Keep a blank journal in your room for moments like this.  After the initial expression of emotion slide the journal to them and tell them to write their feelings in there.  Tell them they can say whatever they want in the journal and you will not read it.  Help them understand if they write out their feelings it will help begin to get them out in a healthy way.  Secondly, teach them the healthy places to release emotion like exercise, counseling, coffee with a friend, painting, poetry, writing music, playing sports, or whatever they enjoy doing that can be a physical expression of the emotional turmoil inside.

3.  SPEAK TRUTH:  First, you cry it out with them.  Then you help them find a healthy release of their emotion.  When you see them coming back to life a little bit, it will be time to sit down and process what happen from a rational place.  You can coach them on the reality of friendship, the mechanics of dealing with conflict, and why hurting people feel the need to hurt other people.  This is the time to go over what to do if this happens again.

I wish you can wave a magic wand and take away your teenager’s pain, but that is not possible.  What is even more magical is what can happen in their life as an adult if they learn how to process their pain in a healthy way, and you can do something about that!

I WOULD LOVE SOME REAL LIFE EXAMPLES OF HOW YOU HELP YOUR TEENAGER THROUGH PAINFUL EXPERIENCES? PLEASE LEAVE A COMMENT AND TELL ME YOUR STORY.

Free Content
Open to all visitors

7 Ideas to Consider Before You Talk to Your Teenager About Sex

7 Ideas to Consider Before You Talk to Your Teenager About Sex


Clarify Your Values…

Parents don’t enjoy talking to teenagers about sex for many reasons.  One of the big ones is that if forces them to figure out what they believe about it.  Before you talk, you must figure out what you believe.  What does your faith community say about sex?  What did your parents teach you about sex?  Did they teach you anything about it at all? Where have you shaped your beliefs about sex?  Remember that our beliefs fuel our behavior, and you are about to shape your teenager’s beliefs about one of the most important subjects in life.

 

Use Your Very Loud Voice…

I am not suggesting that you yell at your teenager! I am talking about your influence.  It really doesn’t matter what research you consult they all say the same thing.  It is a fact that parents are the greatest influence in a teenager’s life.  In case you missed that , let me say it again.  Out of all the voices in your teenager’s life, your voice is the loudest.  When you chicken out and avoid teaching your teenager about sex you take your voice out of an important conversation.  That leaves other people to teach and shape your teenager’s belief about sex.  You can’t let that happen!

 

If They Start the Conversation with a Question, follow up with a Question…

One of my heroes in life is famous for answering a question with another question.  I love that about him, and I think it is a wise way for you to handle your teenager’s sex questions.  You might accidentally give them too much information or not enough information.  It would be wise for you to respond to their question with, “What do you think about that?”  It might give you some much needed context that will help you give the best answer not just the first one that comes to your mind.

 

Listen first….then talk…

Think back to when you were a teenager.  Did you ever like it when an adult gave you a lecture?  It would be much better to start by asking great questions like, “What do you hear your friends saying about Sex?”, “What do you know about Sex?”, or “When you have kids one day, what are you going to teach them about Sex?” After asking the question, just be very quiet and take in their answer.  Listen to their responses and look for conversational ramps you can jump off of to help share your values about sex.

When you don’t give them the answers right away it forces them to use their newfound abstract thinking skills and challenges their moral development.  It is a healthy challenge for them.

 

Don’t React, but Respond

If their initial ideas and values about sex don’t match yours it is not the end of the world.  Remember, you haven’t had your chance to speak yet.  I can guarantee a negative response from your teenager if you listen to their beliefs and then insult them.  You can respond in a way that doesn’t agree with them but shows them respect for being courageous enough to answer the question honestly.

 

Help them move from “Here” to “There”…

Great leaders lead by helping people move from “Here” to “There”.  They spend less time telling people what is wrong about staying “Here” and more time painting a beautiful picture of what “There” looks like.  This naturally builds a desire in them to re-think where they want to go.

This leadership principle can be applied perfectly in this conversation.  In the sex talk your “Here” is where your teenager begins in their beliefs about Sex.  If it is different than your belief it would be great to paint for them the dreams you have for them in the area of Sex. Help them see this beautiful “There” that they may have not considered yet which is a belief about Sex that you desire for them to consider.  Explain to them that when Sex is respected and valued appropriately it is one of the most beautiful things on earth.

Inspire your teenager to share your values on Sex, don’t try to guilt them to it.

 

It’s not One and Done…Keep Talking

Once you have the one Sex Talk you are not done.  This has to be an ongoing conversation.  Give them permission to continue talking with you and let them know that they can always ask you any question.

 

Please feel free to share your tips and thoughts on how to have the “sex talk” in a healthy way. Just leave a comment on this post.

 

 

Free Content
Open to all visitors

3 Tips for Managing Teenagers and Sleepovers

3 Tips for Managing Teenagers and Sleepovers

The “Sleep-Over” in it’s own way serves as a Rite of Passage.  It’s the “next step” in a teenage friendship.  For teenagers it is equivalent to an all-night party filled with video games, Doritos, talking about the opposite sex, or playing pranks on each other.

For the parents the Sleep-Over can create its own stress.  The moment a teenager asks, “Can I sleep over at my friend’s house?”  a thousand questions leap to the front of the parent’s mind:

* “Will their parent’s be there?”

* “Does this family share our values?”

* “Will my teenager be safe?”

* “In a world filled with abuse, will my teenager be victimized?”

* “Is this friend a positive or negative influence on my teenager?”

* “Will this be a co-ed sleep-over?”

It can be crazy to navigate so here are 3 tips for Managing Teenagers and Sleep-Overs:

1. If at all possible host the Sleep-Over at your house.  This allows you to control the environment.  I have had some really wise parents of teenagers tell me that they intentionally bought a pool, pool table, video game system, or stocked up on junk food so that they could be the house to host the friends.  Those same parent’s caution that this strategy brings people in your house at all times!  You have to ask yourself if you are more comfortable having a house filled with teenagers or trusting someone else to host your teenager.  If for some reason you can’t host the Sleep-Over and you are unsure of the family hosting it you can suggest a shorter stay during the day. You can also just say, “not now maybe later”.  Then you can buy some time to intentionally meet and hang out with the parents of the other teenager so you can make an informed decision.

2. If you can’t host the Sleep-Over ask your teenager really good questions- Ask them “Who?”  Who is the friend you might stay with?  Are any other friends coming?  Do we know their family?  Have we ever talked to their parents?  Have we ever been to their house?  You have to see yourself as a really good investigative reporter.  Get the important facts that will help you make the right decision.  The next question is “Where?” Make sure to get the address, phone number, and name of the parents.  This information will be vital for our next tip!

3. Call the parents that are hosting the Sleep-Over for a strategic check-in- I know you probably never did this as a teenager, but sometimes teenagers don’t tell the truth about who they are staying with.  I am not suggesting you don’t trust your teenager.  What I am suggesting is that you check-in on them to give them an opportunity to prove to you how trustworthy they are.  Make sure to call and talk to the parents, not just your teenager.  Thank them for letting your teenager stay.  Give them your phone number in case of emergency.  You can also ask them what teenager’s are staying over so that you can make sure it jives with your teenager’s story.

If you have a young teenager it will be easier to establish some ground rules early about Sleep-Overs that will help you later.  You can establish that you can’t sleep over at a friend’s house unless we know their parents.  That puts the responsibility on the teenager to introduce you to their friend’s parents.  Another ground rule to establish early is that Sleep-Overs are earned not expected.  Make sure they know that this is a privilege that comes when they have earned your trust.  Finally, if you have a young teenager go ahead and teach them that you will always be more likely to get a “Yes” when it comes to Sleep-Overs if it is hosted at your house.  This will help your student plan with their friends proactively.

I hope this post has helped you, now I would love for you to help me.  I need to know what age you started letting your teenager do Sleep-Overs at other people’s homes?  Please leave a comment on this post with your answer.  THANKS…

 

 

Free Content
Open to all visitors

How Much Is A Mother Worth?

How Much Is A Mother Worth?

MOTHERS, I think you are priceless but if you got a salary for your job you would be making triple digits!!! BE ENCOURAGED TODAY!

(Many thanks to www.degreesearch.org for this fun infographic and I also want to credit www.theinklingsoflife.com where I found it.)

Free Content
Open to all visitors

President Obama shoots Marshmallow Gun in White House

Whether you agree or disagree with his politics, you have got to love this video of President Obama shooting a marshmallow gun with a teenager in the White House.  Let’s all take some time to do something ridiculous today with our teenager!!

 

Free Content
Open to all visitors

Facebook Parenting: For the Troubled Teen

With over 25 million views on YouTube and TONS of appearances on news shows I have little doubt many of you have seen this viral video.  In short it is the response of a father of a teenage girl who vented big time on her facebook page.

In anger, he responded by posting this video on her Facebook page.  (the father on the video warns that the video has some curse words)

I wanted to give some feedback, but I am REALLY excited to hear what you have to say about it!

Here are 3 Reactions to The YouTube Video- “Facebook Parenting: for the troubled Teen”

1.  This is a public display of what is privately happening in many homes-  This is a perfect example of what I call the “emotional vortex”.  When a teenager spews emotion to their parents they get personally offended and return even more emotion.  The cycle continues until it drives a wedge in the relationship.  This video is extreme, but I believe it has gone viral because it is a living parable of what so many families are experiencing today.

2.  Public Embarrassment is a form of punishment not discipline- There is a difference between punishment and discipline.  You punish your teenager by giving them an unpleasant consequence in order to scare them from ever repeating the offense again.  Discipline is not about fear but about guidance.  Discipline is giving consistent consequences with as little emotion as possible with the end goal being to move them one step closer to making their own wise decision next time.  Punishment breeds fear and Discipline, done well, breeds trust.  Both the father and the daughter in this scenario broke trust with each other.  The problem is that only one of them is a teenager.

3. Parentzilla has a purpose- When folks ask me, “What does Parentzilla do?”  I like to say that we help keep parents of teenagers from becoming  jerks!  Let’s be honest.  There is a part of us that is cheering on this Dad because he is doing what so many parents would love to do.  The anger is real.  The hurt is real.  The pain is real.  Unfortunately, the world is watching an eruption of pain and hurt between a father and a daughter on display for the world.  But you can bank on the fact that this explosion has been building up pressure for years and could have been prevented.  Our commitment to you is that you will always have a parenting partner that will help prevent you from having your own Parentzilla YouTube moment!!!

The bottom line is that if the answer was as easy as yelling at your kid on YouTube we would all have this thing figured out.  But it takes the hard work of relationship, communication, forgiveness, understanding, patience, and love.  That is the hard work that eventually pays off with a young adult who trusts you and has been inspired to follow your example through life with their own kids.  We can’t do that alone.  We need encouragement, inspiration, practical advice, and we need each other.

(I am just glad it was a laptop and not a boyfriend!)

I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOUR RESPONSE TO THIS VIDEO— PLEASE HELP START THE CONVERSATION BY LEAVING A COMMENT ON THIS POST!!!

Free Content
Open to all visitors