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How to Parent a Tween through the Physical Changes…

How to Parent a Tween through the Physical Changes…

GI Joe says, “Knowing is Half The Battle” so…

Here are 7 Physical Changes to Look For as you Parent a Tween:

1. During the early teenage years, the body undergoes more development than at any other time, except the first two years of life.  The best way to think about your teenager is UNDER CONSTRUCTION.

2.  Young adolescents’ growth is accelerated and uneven with growth spurts occurring about two years earlier in girls than boys.  That is why you can walk into just about any middle school classroom and feel like you have entered an episode of the “Attack of the Jungle Women”.  The girls are taller than the boys.  By the way, in general the girls do not like this.  They understand that normally men are taller than women.  And anything that makes them feel like they are not normal is a stressful experience.

3.  Developmental growth includes signifigant increases in height, weight, and internal organ size as well as changes in skeletal and muscular systems.  If your young teenager gains weight please do not make the mistake of making fun of them or freaking out about it.  Don’t hire a physical trainer or start filling out Fat Camp registration forms.  There is a great chance that their height will increase as well and if given time there body can balance itself out.  The best thing you can do is to continue to teach them the life skill of nutritional eating and regular exercise.

4.   Your young teenager may seem very clumsy, but there is a legitimate reason for it.  Since bones are growing faster than muscles young adolescents may experience coordination issues.  Actual growing pains result when muscles and tendons do not adequately protect bones.  So if your young teenager comes to you after a nap complaining of their legs and joints hurting it might be growing pains.

5.  A cascade of hormones signals the development of primary sex characteristics (genitalia) and secondary sex characteristics (breast development in girls and facial hair in boys) during this period.  Girls tend to mature one to two years earlier than boys do.  I call this the “hormone cocktail” and once it starts flowing in your teenager it brings with it wild mood swings.  The “hormone cocktail” can cause your teenager to go to bed as a sweet little child and wake up as a moody pubescent nightmare.

6. Increased production of adrenal hormones affects skeletal growth, hair production, and skin changes.  Your young teenager might struggle with acne during this stage.  Acne can cause a lot of shame in your teenager.  The best approach for responding to this is to teach them what they can control and what they can’t.  They can control the maintenance of keeping their skin as clean as possible.  With your help they can consult a dermatologist for help as well.  What they can’t control is curing acne or making it go away instantly.

7.  Young adolescents tend to have ravenous appetites and peculiar tastes.  They will have a propensity for improper nutrition.  This explains why they can eat a bag of Funyuns and a two liter of mountain dew and then ask what else you have to eat!

The best way to guide your teenager through this stage is to talk to them about it.  Here is a video we posted a while back that will help encourage you to do just that!

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Parenting a Tween Who Doesn’t Want to Be Chased Anymore

Parenting a Tween Who Doesn’t Want to Be Chased Anymore

 

Here is my 3 year old after a rainy day of being chased through puddles!

 

My three year old creeps up to me on his tippy toes with a smile the size of Texas. He says, “Daddy, you can’t catch me!” And then bolts off as fast as he can.

There are three things he asks for in this exchange. He wants my time. He wants my attention. And he wants to be caught.

He squeals in anticipation as I put down my book and start running after him. I could catch him quickly if I wanted, but where is the fun in that? Finally, the whole experience culminates in a huge tackle/hug filled with smiles and giggles. It is the kind of interaction that makes your day. I love to chase.

What do you do when your child doesn’t ask to play chase anymore?

For many Parents of tweens this is the hardest part of the transition from childhood to adolescence. I refer to the process as “detachment”. Detachment takes place when your child begins to separate from you physically (i.e. not wanting to be seen in public with you), mentally (i.e. criticizing your opinions and establishing their own opinions about life), and morally (i.e. testing out new beliefs and values that are different than yours).

The sad part of the Detachment phase is that you  begin to feel a bit of separation anxiety. Where is the sweet child who worshipped the ground you walked on?  It is surprising to see your  budding teenager develop their own force field that they can pull up at anytime to shut out whoever they want to.  This is very hard for a parent to accept.

The child that used to beg you to play suddenly seems to not even care if you exist!

They aren’t asking to play chase anymore.

But here is the encouragement that I want to shout from the mountain tops to you today! After 18 years of listening to the hearts of teenagers please hear me this morning, THEY STILL WANT TO BE CHASED.

They just don’t know how to ask for it. They feel silly asking to be chased, but that three year old kid’s desire has not left.  They want to be chased, but it has to be done their way. The chase is still on, but the rules have changed. Don’t quit chasing, just simply learn how the game has changed.

Here are 3 Tips on Playing Chase with Your Teenager:

1) GIVE THEM TIME- Take off of work a little early and check them out of school.  Plan a weekend together.  Start a regular appointment where you hang out together.  Let them take the lead in what you will do.  The activity doesn’t matter, but the message you are sending does, “I want to pursue you, and I will take the time to do it.”  I have rarely seen a teenager that did not enjoy that gift.

2) GIVE THEM YOUR ATTENTION-  While you are with them do your best to avoid all distractions.  Try to take them to a place where they are unlikely to run into their friends and feel social pressure.  Whether you get out of town, go into the woods, or do an activity try to be as alone as possible.  Agree together ahead of time that cell phones will only be used in case of emergency.  Plan to strike a balance between shoulder to shoulder fun time and face to face talk time.    Enjoy uninterrupted time with your kid!

3) MAKE SURE THEY ARE CAUGHT- The best part of chasing your kid is when you catch them.  That is when the hug happens.  That is when the laughter happens.  That is when the connection happens.  Don’t just hang out with your teenager, be emotionally available to them.  Communicate the important messages to them.  Affirm them.  Express love to them.  Specifically list what you are proud of about them.  Give them the exhilaration of being caught all over again by a parent who loves them.  There are not too many things on this earth that can make us feel more secure.

For tips on how to share the power of your Blessing with your teenager once you catch them you can download this ebook today. (for free)

 

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Teen Sexting

video platform
video management
video solutions
video player

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Even the Whopper has trouble giving the sex talk…

Even the Whopper has trouble giving the sex talk…

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Parents with Pom Poms!

Parents with Pom Poms!

 

We love to cheer on our kids.  Words can’t describe the feeling of watching your kid make their first soccer goal, or get their first A on a test, or receive their first award.

I sometimes go to baseball fields and watch little league games where I don’t even know the kids that are playing.

There is always that one Dad who loses all composure and is screaming like his daughter is playing in the World Series.  I love to just watch that Dad.  For this one moment in time he cares nothing about what people think of him.  All he wants to do is cheer on his daughter.  If they would let him on the field he would run right behind her clapping and screaming!

I have a question for you.  What if you cheered like that when your teenager fails?

I know what you are thinking, “Why would I cheer failure?”  Actually, it is when your teenager fails that you need to put on your cheerleading outfit more than any other time.  There is a prime parenting opportunity that you don’t want to miss inside of their failure.  You will still need to offer consistent consequences with as little emotion as possible if necessary, but when the dust settles is the time to grab your pom poms.

Here are 3 ways to follow up with failure like a good cheerleader:

1) Spirit Fingers-  A good cheerleader knows that Spirit Fingers are essential.  You can exercise some Parental Spirit Fingers by reminding your teenager that although they blew it big time, this is not the end of their story.  There is always a chance to learn from what has happened and start again with more wisdom.  Remind them that you get smart by studying books, but you become wise by learning from your failure.  Show them that this is an opportunity to become wise.

2) Always have a Base- Cheerleaders have two positions that I know of.  They have a flyer and a base.  The flyer’s go up and down and sometimes fall.  It is the job of the base to protect the flyer as much as they can from falling too hard.  You can serve as the base for your teenager and remind them of what matters most.  It is crucial that you respond to their failure with guidance, advice, and if necessary by presenting them consistent consequences with as little emotion as possible.  But when that is done, it is even more important that your teenager is reminded that they can do nothing to make you love them any less.  It is in our failure that we need to be encouraged the most.

3) Throw them back up in the air-  Teenagers report to me that they often feel like they are a “bad kid”.  They constantly fail and make their parents angry.  At some point they just give up believing that it is impossible to please their parents.  You don’t want your teenager to give up.  The best way to prevent that is to give them a short, clear, and do-able way to earn back your trust if they have broken it.

Far too often the story looks like this….Chapter 1- Parents Discover Failure….Chapter 2- Parents Confront TeenagerChapter 3- Parents lecture teenager and give them a consequenceChapter 4- Teenager is depressed and counts the days until the consequence is over…. THE END.

That should not be the end of the book!  Chapter 5 should have the parents coming into the teenager’s room dressed like cheerleaders re-affirming the teenager saying, “I know you messed up but you can learn from it, we will always love you no matter what, and it is very possible to earn back our trust and begin again! YOU CAN DO IT!!”

Now that is a book worth reading.

 

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Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here?

Dear Parentzilla Supporters!

I want to thank you personally for the way you have changed my life in the last 27 days. Here is what I have learned about you…

* You are great parents– I love to listen to you. I learn so much from your feedback, your questions, and your concerns for your family. You are making this Parentzilla journey an absolute joy.
* You love your teenagers– I am so encouraged by the level of commitment I hear in your words. You are committed to building the relationship with your teenager, and we are committed to helping you do that.
* You are generous– I have received so many kind emails, messages, and encouragement. I am still in awe of how you share with your friends, tweet, re-tweet, and comment on all things Parentzilla. From the bottom of my heart I thank you.

A lot of you are asking me, WHAT’S NEXT?

Here are some fun things to look forward to–

* Over the next few months we go into the development stage of creating the heart of our program. We are going to create the Parentzilla book that explains the 7 Bridge Builders to the heart of your teenager. This will also include a DVD training series as well. It is a HUGE project that we hope to reveal to you very soon!
* If you live in the Nashville area, we are going to begin an affordable and consistent parenting class that you can be a part of. We will also launch very soon personal coaching both live (for folks in the Nashville area) and online for everyone else.
* We will continue to create useful ebooks, seminars, and encouragement for you to grab along the way.

There is one favor I need from you today! Would you be willing to give me some feedback? Here is what I need:

* Your thoughts on a great ebook or resource that we can develop that would meet a very specific need for you.
* It would be wonderful if you would send in a Parenting question that we could answer in a blog post. So go ahead and hit me with your best shot. We will keep your name confidential and try our best to help you out.
* I am looking for what great Parenting conferences there are out there. If you know of a great parenting conference, would you please share that with me?

Thanks in advance for all your help! You can email me at jeremy@parentzilla.com or you can leave a comment on this post. (or facebook or twitter or carrier pigeon, whatever!)
jeremy

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