helping parents tame the teenage years
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Today I would love to hear from you. So here is the question: Has your teenager switched identities on you? You can tell me your story by leaving a comment on this post.
There are many life skills that a teenager must grasp on the way to adulthood. They need to learn how to wash clothes, change a tire, make a peanut butter sandwich, and grieve a loss. Grieving will come natural to many teenagers because unfortunately they have experienced way too much loss in their childhood. But many other teenagers will not understand the emotions that come with mourning a loss.
I heard a counselor say once that everyone grieves differently, so there is no way to tell someone how to grieve. That is true, but lucky for you I can give some encouragement on how to live with a teenager who is grieving their childhood.
In Day 5 of our YouTube Series, “Raising a Beaver Cleaver Kid in a Beavis and Butthead World”, we discussed the depression that can set in on a new teenager when she realizes she has lost her childhood almost overnight. That is a very real loss and it leaves many teenagers and their parents at a loss.
So here are 2 thoughts for you today on how to address this issue with your teenager:
1. Give them space- When your little 5 year old falls and scrapes their knee, what do they do? They scream for you, and you come running to hold them in your arms. That feels good for both parties involved. What do you do when your young teenager’s heart is hurting and they aren’t screaming for you? You don’t run to them (even though you are dying to). Instead you hang around lobbing love grenades in their direction waiting for their invitation and permission to enter into their hearts. By love grenades I am referring to a loving note left under the pillow, an affirming text, a little more patience when they mess up, or a kind gesture that communicates you stand ready to talk when they are ready. If you choose the opposite and invade their space looking to make everything better, you might just cheat the process of them learning how to hurt.
2. When they invite you to talk, don’t say much- Now you must think I am crazy! You have done all the work to earn the right to be your teenagers confidant, and now you have to listen more than talk? The answer is yes. I remember the day one of my best friends died tragically in a car accident. There were many people who said a whole lot of stuff to me, but I don’t remember one word. What I do remember is when a man that I hardly knew stood next to me saying nothing. I remember feeling a brief moment of relief just having him standing there. When your teenager is hurting they might want your presence more than your words.
I would REALLY LOVE to hear your experience with your grieving teenager! Please leave a comment below so that others can learn from what you have learned….
PARENT/STUDENT DISCUSSION GUIDE FOR PHYSICAL CHANGES DURING PUBERTY
If you have a 10-14 year old than you should consider having a discussion with them about the changes going on in their body, mind, and soul. This discussion guide helps you begin that discussion by talking about the physical changes (the most awkward part!) Far better for them to hear it from you than to just leave them alone in this process.
Discussion Starter #1
PARENT
When I was your age I started noticing my body beginning to change. My voice changed, I started having to use deodorant, and there were many other changes as well. This is what you can expect too. At times I felt embarrassed about these changes, so I want us to talk about these changes so you will know they are normal.
Below is a list of some physiological changes you may choose to discuss. (or not to discuss)
* Acne
* Growth Spurts
* Change in Voice
* Breast Development
* Menstration
* Early Bloomers (girls and guys body develops faster than others)
* Late Bloomers (girls and guys body develops later than others)
* Body Hair under arms, on legs, on face (guys), and Pubic Hair
* Nocturnal Emissions (wet dreams)
Ask Your Student These Questions
1. Have you noticed any of these changes with yourself or your friends?
2. How do you feel about what is happening?
Student
Ask Your Parent These Questions
1. How did you feel when you were my age and went through these changes?
2. Some of my friends seem to be further along than me, and some seem to be not changing at all yet. Why is that?
Discussion Starter #2
PARENT
A four year old can say anything that comes to mind and sometimes does things with no fear of embarrassment or worry of what people think. But around the age of 12 this begins to change, I can remember when… (Share an early adolescent memory of when you felt very self-conscious or like everyone was “staring” at you.)
Ask Your Student These Questions
1. Do you ever wonder what people around you think about you?
2. How do you feel when you are with your friends, you enter a class, and/or get on the bus?
Discussion Starter #3
STUDENT
Now that I am getting older there are some things that feel like they matter to me more than they used to, like the clothes I wear, hair style, body odor, being on time, the car we drive, some things about our family… (Share your thoughts about these kinds of things with your parent.)
Ask Your Parent These Questions
1. Do you remember feeling differently at my age?
2. Sometimes there are things about me and about our family that I feel embarrassed about. Did you ever feel that when you were growing up?
Discussion Starter #4
PARENT
As we change into adults we start to become more aware of ourselves and of people around us. This new awareness can cause us to feel a lot of different emotions: fear, anxiety, joy, or excitement. Most everyone begins to have more intense feelings during these early teenage years. I want you to know you can always tell me how you feel about someone or any situation, and perhaps I can help. I want to support you as you learn to cope with these new emotions.
Ask Your Student These Questions
1. Over the next few years there are going to be times where you are moody, frustrated, and mad without really knowing why. How would you like us as a family to respond to you in those times?
2. When we disagree with each other over the next few years what are some “rules of engagement” that you think we can follow to help us fight fair?
Student
Ask Your Parent These Questions
1. When you were my age did you ever get into arguments with your parents? If so, how did you handle it?
2. Do you think that you and your parents did it the right way; how would you like us to do it differently?
Discussion Starter #5
PARENT
As you grow these next few years there will be a lot of changes. You are changing from being a child to becoming an adult. There are fun and exciting things about becoming an adult and there are also sad and difficult things about these changes. Sometimes I wish I could wrap you up and protect you from the “adult world”, at other times I want to help push you forward into adulthood.
Ask Your Student These Questions
1. Do you feel nervous or afraid about anything you see happening with your self or your friends?
Student
2. Tell me the story of what your life was like when you were my age? Don’t leave anything out!
** I hope this guide gives you an idea of just how rich a conversation like this could be for your relationship. See you tomorrow!
Parenting Teenagers is not for wimps. Can I get an Amen?
You can easily hear things said to you in these years by your teenager that no one else has ever said to you:
* “I hate you!”
* “You are ruining my life!”
* “I am embarrassed to be around you in public!”
In the past few days we discussed the emotional labor of parenting teenagers, the science behind those wild mood swings, and today we got really practical with the Rewind and Flash Forward technique. The Rewind and the Flash Forward don’t magically take away the anger and emotion from your teenager, but they are just a small way to help you stay calm in the midst of it. The reward of staying calm is that you get to play a special role in the life of your teenager: the “safe place”.
In the world of your teenager everyone is either someone to impress or a potential threat. The only rare exception is when they find a “safe place”. A “safe place” is a person who they feel absolutely no need to impress because they believe they will be loved unconditionally. A “safe place” also does not threaten your teenager which makes them feel free to show the ugliest parts of themselves without fear.
Who is your “safe place”? Do you have one? Wouldn’t you like to be one?
Being a “safe place” is not easy, but it is so rewarding. I have seen many parents grasp this concept and let it revolutionize their relationship with their teenager. The negative emotion that used to drive them crazy they now face with a sense of responsibility and mission. Parents move from “I am going crazy!” to “I am their safe place and I love it!”.
The reality is that every stage of parenting has its challenges, but parents always have the opportunity to choose their attitude in the midst of those challenges. A “safe place” chooses to respond to an angry outburst with a listening ear, a loving heart, and wise guidance on how to express their emotions the right way. It is always better to respond than to react in anger.
When your teenager is yelling and going crazy you have 3 options:
1. Allow yourself to be personally offended and throw the hurt you feel right back at them.
2. Feel sorry for yourself and make the argument all about you and how your teenager is making you feel
3. Wear your title of “Safe Place” proudly! Recognize the context of your teen’s life stage enough to understand this really has very little to do with you.
You might not have even realized it, but your teenager just might give you the greatest compliment in the world today. They might make you their “safe place”! That is a title worth wearing.
It’s Day 3 of our YouTube Series, “Raising Beaver Cleaver Kids in a Beavis and Butthead World”. Today we are talking about WILD MOOD SWINGS…
Here is a really good summary of the physical changes that happen during puberty…
For the Science Geeks out there…here is some research to show puberty begins in the brain.
We launched Parentzilla with an online flash mob…
Instead of meeting in the mall to dance to Thriller at a pre-determined time (which would have also been very cool) I invited many of my friends to meet me online at 10:10 am to talk about Parentzilla.
So many of you joined in and I wanted to share with you what happened during the Launch…
* 1759 of you viewed the Parentzilla page
* 410 of you became our Facebook Friend
* 691 of you became our friend on Twitter
* 113 of you joined our email club
* 24 of you subscribed to our YouTube Channel
* 781 of you watched our YouTube Series, “Raising Beaver Cleaver Kids in a Beavis and Butthead World” *by the way that title was a chapter title in one of my favorite books by Jess Moody
All I can say is THANK YOU! I am so excited to partner with you as parents and give you a place where you can be encouraged as you tame the teenage years!
We will continue with Day 3 of our YouTube Series on Monday. I hope you will join me in enjoying your family this weekend!
