There is a vast difference between listening and agreeing. It’s impossible to always agree with your teenager, but you can always listen.
Yesterday, I was in a crowded mall. There were hundreds of people milling around, and off to the side my eye caught an amazing parent of a teenager.
In the 15 seconds it took me to slowly walk by I saw a teenage girl quietly crying with mascara running down her face. Six inches from her was her mother. Neither one of them cared that they were in a crowded mall. It was obvious the two of them had worked hard on their relationship, and in this crisis moment it was paying off.
What struck me, was that this amazing mother wasn’t saying anything. She was actively listening to her daughter. In the craziness of a busy mall it was like they were the only two people in the room.
Think about how hard that is to do.
The whole time I walked by this Mother and Daughter I resisted the temptation to go up to them and give them a high five. That is how you do it.
No one is perfect, so I am sure when I rounded the corner they started yelling at each other. But for that one moment in time they were connected, and that mom found a way to connect with her daughter’s pain through listening.
Here are 4 ways that you can practice listening to your teenager today:
1. Don’t talk- I know many of you are saying, “Thank you Captain Obvious”, but that is much easier said than done. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. I promise you that will revolutionize your relationship with your teenager.
2. Separate listening and agreeing- Does your teenager feel free to share an opinion with you that they know you won’t agree with? You don’t have to agree with your teenager to listen to them, but you do have to listen to them if ever have any hope of connecting with their heart. How will they be able to test their opinion and grow to be an adult if they get cut off and lectured the moment they say something their parent doesn’t like?
3. Repeat to them what they said- One of the overlooked characteristics of communication is clarification. Clarify with your teenager what they said by repeating it to them in your own words and ask them, “Did I get that right?” This will insure that you are crystal clear on their opinion before you form your response. Too often we are guilty of preparing our response in our heads before our teenager is finished talking.
4. Respond more with questions and less with lectures- Your teenager is learning how to process information and they are forming their own beliefs. The best way to help them form beliefs is to become a Ninja at asking questions. One really great question to your teenager will always trump a long lecture.
So I have a PARENTZILLA CHALLENGE today. The next time your teenager is in the mood to talk or the next time you find yourself at the genesis of an argument, stop and listen. Practice these 4 tips and let me know how it goes.
We love being your PARENTING PARTNER!! Have a great day.
How do you apply these communicating tips to a Dyslexic teen that has to go to tutoring but fights it like a mad bull? I have tried listening, rationalizing, positive comments,and looking into the future with my child. He will not stop resisting and put a 100% (not even 50%)into the tutoring. He needs the skills from tutoring, in order to close the academic gap of what grade level he is at and the actual grade level he is in.
Sandra,
That is a really tough spot to be in. The communication tips in this particular article are not meant to solve the problem you have mentioned but connect to your teenager’s heart to help diagnose a problem. It sure sounds like you are past the stage of diagnosing a problem and in the middle of dealing with it. Without knowing the in’s and out’s of your situation, here are is a little bit of encouragement.
There is a fine line and a real tension between natural consequences and intentional consequences. Natural consequences occur when you let your teenager experience the effects of his poor choices without intervening. In this case, if you don’t continue to intervene your son will fail.
If the natural consequences have the potential to teach a lesson without doing too much harm, I always believe that is the best way for a teenager to learn. BUT…if the potential natural consequences threaten to do more harm than you are comfortable with and hurt the future of your teenager, you will need to try intentional consequences.
Intentional consequences are where you step in and create a consequence that teaches the lesson, but not to the severity of the natural consequence. The example in your case is you stepping in and offering him a consequence to the decision of blowing off tutoring rather than letting him fail a grade.
The one thing I am going to tell you that you don’t want to hear is this. You can’t control whether or not he fails. Ultimately, there is a limit to the amount of intentional consequences you can offer. If he works through all of those and he still chooses to make poor choices than he will face the natural consequences. You are a wonderful parent, but there is no one who can control the destiny of their teenager. They are little adults, and part of that process is unfortunately sometimes they refuse to heed wisdom and warnings.
Then they must learn a very adult lesson. No one can protect them from themselves. They must take responsibility for themselves.
If you have tried every consequence in the book, then talk to friends and mentors asking for new suggestions. Also, begin to talk to your teenager about your inability to save them from their natural consequence. Your son might be living under a false pretense that no matter how much he blows this off, you will come to his rescue and keep him safe from the natural consequences. He must know that you don’t have the power to do that even if you wanted to.
Dyslexia is frustrating to deal with. I am sorry that your son has to face that at such a young age. In his struggles and poor choices you must begin to think of yourself as more of a coach and less of a savior. He is coming to a stage in life where he has to learn to save himself. The only thing you can control in that is to be a never ending source of encouragement, and to teach him how to make good choices. Whether he does it or not will be up to him.
I hope this helps! Please keep in touch. I am hoping you will hear from other parents who are struggling with similar issues.
jeremy