this is a guest post by Laura Anderson, MMFT who is a Marriage and Family Counselor in Nashville, TN who has worked with teenagers for 12 years. If you are in the Nashville area you can find her here
Parenting your teen through a divorce can be a test on every level.
During the teenage years an adolescent changes physically, emotionally, socially, mentally and relationally.
They try on different masks and personalities in order to find their fit.
In order to navigate these years of internal chaos it is important that they are provided stability in their home and with their parents. Though it seems as though teens enjoy rebelling (or at the very least, copping an attitude), adolescents thrive in an environment in which their parents provide structure.
Essentially this offers safety and a sense of stability that the teen can rest in when it seems that everything else internally and externally is in a constant state of chaos.
Divorce can be a very messy process. Not only are parents dealing with their own sets of emotions, feelings and new realities, but they are dealing with their children’s emotions, feelings and new realities as well.
It’s safe to describe the teen’s inner live as chaotic which is why stability in the home is so important.
When the parents of a teen go through the process of divorce, it can often times shake the teen to their core, as one of the only foundational and stable entities in their lives is suddenly pulled out from underneath them.
It’s easy to look at your child’s anger, explosive behavior, change in attitude or action as a way of dealing with their emotions. It’s also a reaction to the sense of instability that they are feeling when the dynamics of the home are changing.
Providing them with opportunities to speak freely their feelings, concerns and frustrations without becoming defensive will help. Affirming the “ok-ness” of these as well as practicing a “no-negative-talk” policy regarding the opposite parent all help the teen to feel secure.
It can also be helpful to enlist the support of adults (a youth leader, counselor, teacher, or a support group for teens with divorced parents) whom you trust to allow the teen other safe adults with whom they can process and receive encouragement.
Despite the external chaos that is going on in the family, it will be important to help the teen recognize that your love as a parent, for them, has not changed and that they can build trust in you to continue to support them and provide them stability and security both in the home and in life as they grow into the man or woman they were created to be.
Just surfing around I found this post. When I read it I couldn’t help but notice that the conversation was empty. So I thought I would put my 2 cents in. 1st this is a subject that no one will want to discuss because to do so would mean that as a parent we have failed. well guess what we did. My oldest is 19 and he has all but told my ex-wife and I that we have failed. However, I went into my closet this morning looking for my white robe and realized… I am not the Christ and I never will be. Next I am also a victim of divorce. My parents, both dead now are divorced and I am all too well aware of what she and I have just done to our children. We have taken selfishness to an all new high… LOW. When I was a kid I was sure that it was my fault and there was little that anyone was going to say to fix that.
I really would like to see some more comments on this issue. There is so much to say but sadly I am sure little will be said. For parents out there who are thinking about divorce think harder. This is not about us its about our kids. We say we would give our lives for them. Maybe we should try a little harder for them.
Shane,
Thank you so much for adding to the conversation. Thanks for your honesty. This is a subject that is filled with so much pain. There are many opinions on Divorce, but the one common ground most will agree on is that Divorce is tied to Pain.
Well.. I agree, the subject is full of pain. That is why we showed up. I think its like war. The people who scream and shout about it the most are standing by the sidelines but the people who hate it the most are the ones who are fighting it. I hate divorce but I have been a child of it and now my children must live it as well. I appreciate you giving me a chance to vent.
I would love at get someones thoughts about a situation I am in currently. I fled with my daughter and divorced my ex due to abuse. She was four when we left and six when he finally agreed to the terms of the divorce. She is now fourteen. Last year he decided not to abide by the parenting agreement. I told him then I would overlook it that time but would not again. He chose to do it again and sent a letter that if I did not allow it, he would take me back to court to lower his child support, demand more visitation, as well a other threats. I am turn. Do I just look the other way again to keep the peace for the sake of my daughter or do I stand my ground and set an example of the importance of honoring your commitments.
Susan,
Stay away from him. A violent man will NEVER be anything but violent. Your life is precious and your daughter as well. Get yourself as far away from him as possible. Remember, they only say their sorry when they are sorry for themselves. God bless and be strong.
I hate divorce too. However, I did not want my children growing up seeing an unhealthy marriage, one filled with lies, abuse, unfaithfulness. So I chose to leave. I am remarried and now have a healthy, Godly marriage that I hope will show our children a good model to follow. However, my oldest child (14) has decided that she wants to live with her father (who still wears his wedding ring and tells people we are married still and/or that God has told him I am coming back). I have tried to love her the only way I know how and now I feel like the thing to do is to let her go and see for herself. My heart breaks for her but I know that she will someday see the truth.
thanks for sharing Paige…much appreciated